The Lost Boy

Earlier this morning I was overwrought with tears and searing pain after finishing this book called "#Masterpiece: Created Anew in Christ" by Mike Jonkers. In one of the chapters it mentions one shouldn't live a life where you feel you have to prove yourself to anyone including yourself. A river of tears flowed from my eyes when I read that passage. My heart broke and the shattered pieces were being knitted together by the hands of One who spoke creation into being. I went closed that passage and felt this incredible being lifted from my shoulders. I mulled over that passage for several minutes and then wrote about it in my journal. I spent most of my youth and most of my twenties feeling that I have to prove something to the outside world. Raised by a single mother made me feel like an outcast. I shut myself off from the rest of the world and focused on the only area where I could excel in: academics. Doing well in school and being praised by my teachers caused my classmates distance themselves from me. The awkward silence and brusqueness compounded my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. I self-medicated through isolation, binge watching TV for hours at a time, overeating, and undereating. I did all that could to smother the silent cries and pain buried in my soul. I spent my whole time on autopilot going to college and grad school to prove to the world and even myself that I am worthy of so much goodness in my life. I was growing more and more disconnected from life. I was becoming more passive, afraid to raise my voice. I would lift my eyes to Heaven and asking God what does He want with my life. I would sit in the center of my bed waiting for a answering to from my life. I was becoming more passive, afraid to raise my voice and scream to a deaf Heaven about my purpose. I was growing more restless and resentful of my peers who found their purpose and passion early on. I thought God's divine providence and favor were reserved for those deemed worthy. By worthy I meant came from a nuclear family, handsome, maneuver through social settings with great ease, and had everything together. A sea of emotions coursed through me. One was happiness and the other envy. I probed their secrets to early success and they said, "God". "God?" I scoffed. I stood there speechless and frustrated by their response. I read the book and found myself feeling somewhat relieved there wasn't a backdoor to success. I read the above referenced book by Mike Jonkers and was pleased and healed by his writing. He mentioned that you in Christ are enough. When you remain connected to the Father you will not suffer from restlessness and anxieity. God will lead you to where He wants you to be. Don't be concerned about what the world defines as success or happiness. Both are relative yet are worlds apart. Happiness changes based on external circumstaces. Success is defined in terms of acquiring worldly goods that money can buy. Joy in the Lord is our strength. In God we can do anything. Remember that whenever you feel lost.